No More Mr. Nice Guy

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By focusing on the relationship instead of their partner, recovery Nice Guys are able to use their partner to get in touch with their childhood experiences of abandonment, neglect, abuse, and smothering. As they reclaim personal power, recovering Nice Guys can experience the world in all of its serendipitous beauty.

Glover gives no guidance on how you are even supposed to tell the difference; or what to do about it. When we look at what is actually going on in his own examples of men he claims have been affected by this, it becomes clear the problem is that these men haven’t been listening to feminism or women at all, and have instead invented fictitious witchery in their place. You should see yourself as part of a team of equals; you both lead and follow, you both provide for and protect each other.We get this sexism full-on when Glover outright blames “radical feminism” and its message “that men were bad and/or unnecessary,” which “furthered the belief of many men that if they wanted to be loved and get their needs met, they had to become what they believed women wanted them to be” and “for many men, this meant trying to hide any traits that might cause them to be labeled as ‘bad’ men. g. a healthy assertiveness, self-care, ambition, confidence, honesty, and sexuality—none of which by itself is dangerous or unsafe, nor is society saying they are). And yes, Glover does a valuable job explaining the difference between genuine caring, and enacting “caring” behaviors for selfish reasons. Written primarily from the prospective [sic] of alcoholic family systems, this early book on codependency applies to both men and women.

He should have made clear that “being nice” is not the same thing as “being good” or even “being worthy” of anything; and most importantly, why. Remember, no such personality type has even been shown to exist; Glover has done no science here, just some field philosophy, proposing untested hypotheses based on some personal experiences and anecdotes.If they still, after all that, are a terrible partner or you don’t really like being with that person, don’t. I also remind them they weren't put on this planet to meet anyone else's needs (except those of their children). Its merits are not worth wasting time on or being exposed to its toxic defects, and can all be gained from much less problematic sources.

I can come up with an answer (see The Real Basis of a Moral World and Your Own Moral Reasoning: Some Things to Consider); but Glover never goes into it. Affirmations are only effective when used along with other processes that help change the nice guy’s core beliefs. These men don’t know how to assess or interact with women, and don’t see women as people or as equals; and the causal direction is more likely going from the latter to the former.I tell Nice Guys, "no one was put on this planet to meet your needs” (except their parents – and their job is done). The Nice Guy’s need to hide is often the most pronounced in areas that are just part of being human and alive. Which means when you don’t have good data—as with most of psychology—you are really just doing a disciplined form of philosophy. For Nice Guys, sex is where all of their abandonment experiences, toxic shame, and dysfunctional survival mechanisms are focused and magnified. Glover never explains what the difference would be between a legitimate, healthy, productive, and appropriate parental chastisement, punishment, or criticism, and whatever he imagines is causing “toxic shame” and thus “Nice Guy Syndrome.

And listen to many different people who have direct personal experience with every aspect of what concerns you. g. compare this article and this article, which account for the effect of selection bias on such conclusions).Even though I am sure it is possible to break free from the Nice Guy Syndrome without the help of a group, it is the most effective tool I know for facilitating the recovery process. Her book is extensively based on actual science, and provides science-based guidelines adaptable to pursuing and achieving any life goal, the pursuit of which will inevitably lead one out of any such conditions as “Nice Guy Syndrome,” should they really even exist. Unfortunately, the negative traits listed above find a way to ooze out into Nice Guys’ lives and personal relationships. He said he does CBT, but after about five sessions and not the slightest hint of CBT, I terminated the relationship. The second time, my medical insurance had a list of about 30 (alleged) CBT therapists they would pay for.