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Equality is a good idea but it doesn’t always work. Make fair demands such as more chores means more privileges. This will help teach your kid to do more chores to enjoy more privileges. Family Time According to many parenting and child development, raising siblings without rivalry is very much possible. The larger role to mediate between siblings is always done by the parents themselves. Introduce them to their Sibling Early
For some reason, the blue train has been deemed “better,” but it can’t be in two places at once. Your daughters have a choice: They can share the blue train or lose it. Calmly present this choice, and let them decide. If the fighting persists, simply take the blue train away. If they come to a reluctant truce, remind them that any continued fighting will result in all of the trains taking a “time out.” When you want to speak in between them, stay calm and cool. Try to handle the situation only after listening to both the sides equally well. Om no way, you should reflect partiality. Always remember, your kids will learn to behave exactly the same way as you do with them. Faber and Mazlish preface their work with a note that this book is an outgrowth of a larger work on general parenting topics. They also take their person experiences in parenting and parent coaching and mash them into the rough story of one person with two children, leading a parenting group. The narrative style works to keep the pace up and enliven what might otherwise be a dry and impersonal instruction manual. And each chapter and topic has a section devoted to personal story telling. That is, the fictionalized members of the parenting group all tell their own stories so that you can find someone or something to identify with. Why does this scenario make us emotionally overwhelmed? First, an "intruder" took our space, time and belongings. Second, we were pressured into accepting the intruder without choice. Third, our emotions were not seen or understood by our life partner. This is similar to when children are ignored. When they are forced to share with others, they develop a strong desire to be the only child.But are siblings natural adversaries with inevitable conflicts? What can parents do to ease their children's tension and avoid making the conflict worse? What can be done to decrease hostility and eliminate rivalry between children? Under such circumstances, it becomes very hard for parents to manage the kids together and while doing so they commit many mistakes that are seen to exert long term impacts on the kids both emotionally and psychologically. Write signs on kids to remind the older sibling. (ex. "When I scream, it means I'm not having fun.)
Don't give attention to the aggressor -- even negative attention is appealing. Attend to the injured party instead, the aggressor will feel left out.
Sibling rivalry is one of the major issues that most parents’ complaint of. when you have two or more children and they grow up together, it is inevitable that things will not always work out smoothly between them. if they want to show each other their report cards, that's their business. What's important is that they know that Mom and Dad see them as separate individuals and are not interested in comparing their grades. (p60)
In Part Two we mentioned ways to prevent children from quarreling. We also need to stop ourselves from making unfavorable comparisons among children and avoid giving them specific roles. At the same time, we need to give children attention and love according to their individual needs. Instead of giving equal time “After I’ve spent ten minutes with your sister, I’ll spend ten minutes with you.” Give time according to need “I know I’m spending a lot of time going over your sister’s composition. It’s important to her. As soon as I’m finished, I want to hear what’s important to you.” This book almost made me cry (and I don't cry easily for books). Just reading/hearing the words coming out of parents mouths from the examples in the book, from parents around me, and from myself and then seeing the contrast described in the book was an indescribable experience for me. Promote a team culture in your family. When parents and siblings act like a team working toward common goals, members tend to get along better and not compete as much. So now when you know what sibling rivalry is and what are the reasons of it, it is time to stop it.This book probably isn't 100% useless, but it's pretty damn near. It takes for granted that our children have no minds of their own, and that as parents we are almost entirely responsible for who our kids grow up to be. That is where it becomes essential to understand the source of the child's "meanness," which is characterized by frequent hostility toward siblings and general troublemaking. Only through understanding it will parents be able to empathize with their children and choose the right approach to reduce or even eliminate conflict between children. So where does a child's "meanness" originate?
Each child recognizes and competes to define who they are as an individual. As they begin discovering themselves and their innate talents, activities, or interests, they tend to separate themselves from their siblings. I've noticed in the last few months my 3 year old acting out more towards her younger sister. It seemed to have coincided with her becoming mobile and grabbing onto toys and demanding more of my attention. My loud, forceful description of what I saw them about to do stunned them and stopped them. My strong conviction that no hurting would be allowed in our home overrode their rage at each other. And in the end I saw that they were grateful to have a parent who cared enough about them to protect them from each other. (p141) This will affect your kids positively and they will understand that it is not good to hurt the feelings of others. Gradually, you shall see that they are implementing the same kind of behavior towards their siblings. How to not take sides: state each child's case, state the value or rule, leave the doorway open for negotiation, leave. (e.g. "let me see, Jimmy needs the crayon for homework, Amy wants to finish coloring. Homework gets priority. But Jimmy if you want to work something out with Amy, that's up to you.")
Further reading around children’s emotional wellbeing
bully and victim : our task would be two fold. Free the bully to be compassionate and free the victim to be strong. Deborah Gold, Ph.D., assistant professor of psychiatry and sociology and senior fellow at the Center for Aging and Human Development at Duke University claims that, Cast sibling harmony as important for the whole family. Explain to your children that your family is like a team. And like any good team, everyone—mom, dad, and the kids—needs to work together to have a peaceful and loving home. Any fights among family members can hurt the whole team or the family.
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