Friendaholic: Confessions of a Friendship Addict

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Unfortunately, for me, the book is most interesting where it is least like a confessional and most like a scientific exploration of friendship. For example the discussion of Cicero's De Amicitia or Dunbar's friendship circles are fascinating. What's less fascinating to me is Day's hand wringing about what text message she should send a shitty friend who she doesn't really like. The essential difference between male and female same-sex friendships, is that female friendships are "face to face" whereas male friendships are "side by side". These phrases capture the frequently replicated finding that female friends like to "just talk" and view this activity as central to their friendship. Females compared to males also describe their talk as more intimate and more self-disclosing. Male friends, on the other hand, prefer to do things together other than "just talking." They share activities, such as sports, where their attention is focused on the same goals but not on one another.

Friendaholic by Elizabeth Day review – friends with benefits

As a society, there is a tendency to elevate romantic love. But what about friendships? Aren't they just as – if not more – important? So why is it hard to find the right words to express what these uniquely complex bonds mean to us? In Friendaholic: Confessions of a Friendship Addict, Elizabeth Day embarks on a journey to answer these questions."

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Having lots of friends meant you were loved, popular and safe. She was determined to become a Good Friend. And, in many ways, she did. Day describes herself as 'addicted' to friendship, and determined to be a 'good friend' because '...having lots of friends meant you were loved, popular and safe.' But the result of this was that she was exhausted (because she said 'yes' to everyone), and her personal boundaries were constantly tested. This lead her to consider the difference between quality and quantity. She goes on to explain how she rebalanced her friendships, alongside an exploration of the evolution of friendships, and the types of friendships we might have (the fun-night-out friend, the frenemy, and so on). Here she confesses to be a friendship addict - something I am ruthlessly not - but it was interesting to see how others go about their needs and desires in a friend relationship. As always, she is candid and concise in an exploration of language around friendships, what that platonic relationship brings to our lives and the end of friendship - whether it is our choice or not.

Friendaholic by Elizabeth Day | Goodreads Friendaholic by Elizabeth Day | Goodreads

Her only other source on male-to-male friendships is her male friend who doesn't have any. Seen as he doesn't have any or think they're any good they must therefore not exist right? That's just stupid. This male friend of hers who is the chosen expert on male friendship despite not having any says he's the type of guy who hates a stag do. Hmmmmm. I wonder if we should maybe look around for someone who likes the quintessential western male-to-male bonding experience before we just openly dismiss male friendship as a fiction. I turn to psychologist and professor Paul Wright to sum up the main difference between male and female friendships. Then, when a global pandemic hit in 2020, she was one of thousands of people forced to reassess what friendship really meant to them. With the crisis came a dawning realisation: her truest friends were not the ones she had been spending most time with. Why was this? Could she rebalance it? Was there such thing as…too many friends? And was she the friend she thought she was?Amidst birthday joy, thesis submission anxiety, and bittersweet farewells, this book was placed in my hands by my beloved friends. I felt it as a symbolic gesture that marked the end of an era and the beginning of a new one, that is now forever imprinted in my memory, heart and soul. This book embodies a chapter of life we shared, some that proceeded it and the unwritten ones yet to come.

Friendaholic: Confessions of a Friendship Addict (Audio Friendaholic: Confessions of a Friendship Addict (Audio

But, as Day explains in this admirably candid and well-crafted book, there is nothing more soul-sapping than clinging to a friendship with someone just because 20 years earlier you sweated in the same spin class. For some reason, probably to do with your own fear of abandonment, you carry on going through the motions with what Day dubs “White Wine Wednesdays”. Those are the midweek get-togethers (neither of you would dream of giving up a Saturday night to each other) which are somehow never as nice as they should be and leave you feeling down, depleted and as if it is somehow all your fault. Meet Elizabeth Day, recovering “friendaholic”. While she was no queen bee at school, Day became an indiscriminate collector of pals in adulthood, reaching her 40s before questioning the urge. This unabashedly personal book charts her attempts to “course-correct” by analysing the meaning of friendship. She’s helped by five of her closest confidants, including journalist Sathnam Sanghera and broadcaster Clemency Burton-Hill, with first-person takes from the likes of a neurodivergent Iraqi woman and the sixtysomething chairman of a Norfolk “men’s shed”. It’s a generous, companionable guide to a part of life every bit as crucial – and as fraught – as romance or family. The Women Who Saved the English Countryside Academic and scientific lines of reasoning are used in this book to provide a bit of starch to an otherwise completely subjective book. Given that science is used as seasoning it shouldn't be surprising that there is little rigor cast over the facts chosen to support or prompt Day's positions. Of particular note was the use of the 2019 Snapchat Friendship report. I'm all for corporate entities creating qualitative studies with their platforms, we can always do with more research, but I'm also incredibly sceptical of the results. Day unfortunately applies no critical analysis whatsoever. Here's the extract about the Snapchat Friendship Report. A drop-off point at the Royal Festival Hall (30 metres) has been created for visitors who are unable to walk from alternative car parks. Our Access Scheme Sam asked me what words would be on my plaque (which wasn't weird - she knows me well). Without hesitation, I said "Friend, swimmer, reader." Sam replied, "Not mother?" And no, 'mother' was not what immediately came to mind. Analyse that whatever way you want... actually, it has come up a few times in my own therapy and I'm no closer to understanding my response, short of saying that my friends always have been, and always will be extremely important to me. I think much of it relates to what I witnessed with my grandmother.

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Items are left in our cloakrooms at the owner’s risk, and we cannot accept any responsibility for loss or damage, from any cause, to these items. We're cash-free Day’s own experience provides the scaffolding for the book. A childhood in Northern Ireland, where she was an outsider, had a dearth of friends and suffered bullying, left her with an insatiable need to be liked. So, she began collecting friends. “For me, being bullied made me determined in later life to prove my worth,” she writes. “Becoming successful, having my name in print, being blessed with a wide circle of endless friends: these became inviolable markers of my sense of identity.”

Friendaholic: THE NUMBER ONE SUNDAY TIMES BEST SELLER

Chapters confiding incidents of ghosting, friendship breakdowns, the impact of fertility issues on friendship and so on are interspersed with chapters devoted to Day’s five closest friends, as well as short testimonies from an array of individuals. Day’s particular predicaments won’t resonate with everyone but her fluid, conversational style makes for lightly entertaining reading (with darker moments). Those who consider the book in good faith might even find themselves Marie Kondo-ing their friendship circle – holding on to the ones that bring joy and clearing out the rest. Niamh Donnelly Why was this? Could she rebalance it? Was there such a thing as... too many friends? And was she the friend she thought she was? Though Day is adept at therapy-speak, she is far from the sole perpetrator. Its spores have travelled such vast distances, in fact, that they have successfully infiltrated most of our institutions, publishing houses, entertainment platforms, and have even made it past supposed gatekeepers of our language, such as the Merriam-Webster dictionary, whose word of the year for 2022 was “gaslighting”. For those like Prince Harry, who like to talk a lot but think little, the ready-made quality of therapy-speak is of particular appeal. It provides off-the-shelf phrases for the tired of mind. Bestselling author, broadcaster and host of the hit podcast How to Fail, Elizabeth Day grew up wanting to make everyone like her.With the crisis came a dawning realisation: her truest friends were not the ones she had been spending most time with. This position may be horribly wrong for some people but it was noted down in the 80's so I'm sure its simple summary has since been superseded but it highlights the fact that if Day had just done a little bit more research she may have been able to really shed some light on male-to-male friendships and by way of contrast female-to-female friendships, and then friendship in general. There was nothing in this book that was new to me but I enjoyed the opportunity to reflect on my own friendships. Day notes that most of her lasting friendships were '...sparked not by a shared hobby but by an initial frisson of kindred feeling.' It's the same for me and I always think of the Anne's (of Green Gables) definition of a 'kindred spirit' when I think of my very closest friends. I loved the exploration of not just what friendship is and means to people but that it's okay to end friendships, just as it is to end other relationships. And that it's not all about how many friends you have but the value you bring to your life.