The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter and How to Make the Most of Them Now

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Jay starts off the “work” section of the book by introducing the idea of “identity capital,” which is the collection of skills, relationships, and professional resources we build up over our lives. (Erik Erikson) THE DEFINING DECADE is a rare gem: a fresh, original contribution to the study of adult development that's also a pleasurable, almost effortless read."― Daphne de Marneffe, PhD, author of Maternal Desire: On Children, Love, and the Inner Life This book isn't a step by step guide. It won't go into how to systematically meet guys/girls, get over depression, or how to do well on an interview. There are plenty of books on getting into the details. Instead, this is a thought provoking book aimed against the popular twenty something zeitgeist today that, "we can do anything", "there's always time", and "I have until 30 to get my life together." Not to mention the million other stories we tell ourselves like, "I'm never going to get good at this", "It's better to wait rather than choose", or "Everyone on Facebook is doing better than me." In a sense, this book is like "Rich Dad, Poor Dad" to personal finance. They are paradigm shifting books that sweep away the false assumptions and beliefs we acquired from our childhood and culture and replace them with solid, real principles on how reality works. This book isn't going to do the heavy lifting for you, only you can do that. This book is the starting point to begin living one's twenties with drive, clarity, and purpose. Even though I am in my late late 20s, I can still see much benefit in the book. The concept of identity capital is something I am finding very useful, and now that I understand it, it pops up in my mind when I am making career choices which is great. I feel it has enhanced and open up my mind, while at the same time making it easy for me to make choices, or at least to understand exactly what it is that I am trading/gaining when I choose one career option over another.

My only real issue with the book is that it's too future oriented. Yes, it's important to plan for upcoming events, but at the same time, if you're not enjoying your life now or you're so stressed about the future, you can't realize what's in front of you and something's not quite right. I wish Jay would've spent a bit more time talking about the past, present, and future, but she didn't really connect them too much. She sort of blames twentysomethings for being too present oriented, which is funny 'cause I'm twenty and think she's too future oriented to the point where she forgets to tell people to enjoy their current situations. I think her book would have a better tone if she said something along the lines of, "Hanging out is nice and it's important to treasure your friends, but don't forget you still have future goals to achieve. To achieve them, you need to make sure you're taking steps in that direction earlier in your life rather than later."And I screwed stuff up. All the time. But this book seems entirely irrelevant to that. Or to anything else I'm carrying right now. What can it possibly tell me about yesterday's negative pregnancy test that I don't already know?

Sarah Liddy, 25, and Audrey Flowers, 24, are two of Dr. Jay’s superfans, mixed-up youth who recently decided to start a podcast to talk about being mixed-up youth. They called it Completely Clueless, with a profanity added in the middle for effect. Both Ms. Liddy and Ms. Flowers dreamed, in high school, of becoming actors (Ms. Liddy had her debut as the teapot in “Beauty and the Beast”). They studied musical theater and graduated from college during the pandemic, when auditioning opportunities were nearly nonexistent. Ms. Flowers was, until recently, working at a Lululemon store in New York, and Ms. Liddy is babysitting. Vida amorosa: a autora traz a importância de sermos também intencionais. Alerta que a pessoa que escolhemos nos envolver será parte da nossa família (ou a pessoa com quem será construída uma família). Além disso, também alerta sobre quando e como devemos fazer esta escolha.Forget about having an identity crisis and get some identity capital. … Do something that adds value to who you are. Do something that's an investment in who you might want to be next.” The wildly funny, occasionally heartbreaking internationally bestselling memoir about growing up, growing older, and learning to navigate friendships, jobs, loss, and love along the ride We all tend to discount the future in favor of the present. We don’t save enough, don’t take good care of ourselves, don’t invest in relationships.

First off, I expected to hate The Defining Decade. Which does beg the question as to why I was reading it, but never mind that. I feared that the book would read like one giant "YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG" to me, a single, 28-year-old law clerk living at home while I continue the search for a more permanent position. I suspect Dr. Jay would tell me that I am doing a few things "wrong," at least in the sense of not furthering my goals, but I also learned I have probably done at least a few things right. Most importantly, the book offers some guidance as to how to set things right, and it didn't make me feel like I'd run out of time to make changes simply because I'm approaching 30. Jay highlights the difference between school and adults. School requires you to solve clear problems laid before you, adult life requires adapting and finding answers in uncertain situations. As we age, we feel less like leaves and more like trees. We have roots that ground us and sturdy trunks that may sway, but don't break, in the wind.”

As a case in point, one of the final sections of this book concerns fertility—the biological limits on when a person can have a child. Now, this information is quite important to know, of course. Many people have overly-optimistic notions of when they can reliably conceive. However, it is clear that Jay basically takes it for granted that her reader is heterosexual and wants children. She even dwells on the sadness of grandparents hardly knowing their grandchildren, because of delayed child-rearing. But there is no discussion as to how a person can think through whether or not to have children, or advice for people who cannot. The message is simple: breed before it’s too late. Drawing from more than twenty years of work with thousands of twentysomething clients and students, Jay weaves science together with compelling, behind-closed-doors stories. The result is a provocative, poignant read that shows why, far from being an irrelevant downtime, your twenties are a developmental sweetspot that comes only once. Your twenties are a time when the things you do -- and the things you don't do -- will have an enormous effect across years and even generations to come. Sometimes, Jay's writing feels like a mother/aunt/teacher who can just give you a look and you know you're doing something wrong. I don't necessarily feel like it's condescending, but it does make me wonder and ask questions about my life. Based on other psychology books I've read, I know her advice is relative based on the situation, but it's strong advice. If you get anything out of the book, I think it should be this: Your life matters, so make the most of it by taking deliberate actions earlier than later, especially in the direction that you may want to go in. Decisions need to be made because they do impact your future. If you just let life happen to you, it may not be all that fun. Excellently written, this book is sensitive to the emotional life of twentysomethings."― Library Journal The Defining Decade weaves the latest science of the twenty-something years with real-life stories to show us how work, relationships, identity and even the brain can change more during this decade than at any other time in adulthood.