What we learned:It was fun to laugh and reminisce over photos and reflect on how we’ve grown up together over the last four years. I think this date will vary greatly for each couple depending on how religious or spiritual they are. One revelation was how much weekly Shabbat dinners meant to me growing up, and how I’d like to recreate that ritual in our future family. Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, written by the Gottman's of the Gottman Institute, is a book about growing, learning about and supporting your romantic partner. The Gottman's look at some of the main sources of conflict and misunderstanding in relationships, and break these categories down into eight dates covering the following: trust and commitment, conflict, sex and intimacy, work and money, family, fun and adventure, growth and spirituality, and finally dreams and aspirations. Each date contains a paragraph to read, with questions to ask and answer for each partner. The Commitment Date: This date is focused on exploring and reaffirming commitment to the relationship and each other. The goal of this date is to help couples explore and reaffirm their commitment to each other and to the relationship. This may involve discussing each partner’s expectations and needs for commitment, exploring the ways in which the relationship has grown and changed over time, and reaffirming each partner’s commitment to the relationship. This date is designed to help couples build a stronger and more enduring relationship by reaffirming their commitment to each other I think this book is an amazing way to date intentionally. One of my friends who I showed the book to said the book was just like couples therapy, which they were going through at the time with their partner. This book is going to be lengthy and deep like therapy - it takes weeks and months to finish the book together, and each of the 8 topics can be hours of conversation.

This is perhaps one of the most important components to any healthy and successful relationship — continuing to be curious and asking about (and then wholeheartedly accepting) your partner’s dreams. Julie Schwartz Gottman, PhD, is an award-winning psychologist, couples workshop developer, and author or co-author of five books. Conflict —Not all conflict is bad. How do you manage differences and conflict in your relationship? This book is for any couple: those just starting to date, about to get married, or have been in a 20 year marriage. This book is not just about “testing” your alignment across 8 topics. Great relationships are built - and this book can serve as a guide to long-term relationship satisfaction.

What we learned: I wasn’t expecting it, but this was by far our hardest date. Sex is a sensitive topic for most people. It might have been the subject matter, or perhaps we were just in a bad mood, but this date veered off course in an unproductive way. Although I won’t kiss and tell, it’s important to know that sometimes these conversations aren’t easy. For those of you going through the eight dates, I recommend taking a break from each other for 20 minutes anytime you find yourself or your partner getting floodedso you can reset. The end-goal of this date is to come up with three tangible ways you can have fun together (or go on adventures) within the next two weeks. The book suggests holding this date somewhere you’ve never been before — make it spontaneous and adventurous!

Fun and adventure—Playfulness keeps a relationship fun! Do you make time for play and adventures together? This doesn’t necessarily mean you have to share the same religious beliefs or anything like that — it’s more about finding shared meaning through life’s obstacles. Conversations & Goals

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Play is a vital component of a relationship. Couples who play together, stay together. This includes experiencing laughter, excitement, anxiety, and curiosity, both separately and together. Share three things you appreciate about your partner’s contribution to the wealth of the relationship (paid or unpaid work).” The book makes a couple of meta-points. First, you should go on a date every week. It’s not about the movie or the dinner you share, it’s about just having protected time away from screens in which you talk to each other. You probably have a weekly 1:1 at work, this is at least more important than those. Second, you should treat your partner primarily with curiosity throughout the course of your life. The mindset is: “the person who woke up today is not the same person who went to bed the night before.” They said when couples are considering marriage, they are often so fond of each other that they assume the other person wants the same things in life as they do. Their optimism convinces them there’s no reason to talk explicitly about decisions like where to live or if they want children. Unfortunately, by the time they discover their incompatibility on some of these fundamental values, they’re already married. I read one of Gottman’s earlier books called The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work when my husband and I were having a rough time just after we were married. It absolutely changed the way I approached our relationship, and it helped us both better communicate so we could come together to work through our issues and move on.

Growth & Spirituality - if you’re religious, talk about that here. Otherwise, construct sacred rituals with each other.Thinking about ways to cherish your partner will give power to your connection," the authors wrote of this exercise, and it definitely did. What we learned:We’d both let fun move to the bottom of our to-do list. We’re focused on our careers right now, and had forgotten the importance of doing things just for the sake of enjoyment. On this date, we did what we do best: strategize ways to prioritize fun in the future. For example, we love working out, and we used to do TRX on Saturday mornings but the ritual faded when our favorite teacher switched studios. We recommited to joint workouts, and also decided to try hosting more group dinners for our friends. It was exciting to discuss bigger plans, too, like taking a trip to Sri Lanka. Hey there, new parents. We see you! If you’ve just recently had a baby, this week’s conversation may be particularly challenging. The mere thought of having sex after having a baby was… plain awful. There, I said it. Not only did it sound unappealing, but after just having given birth and while I was breastfeeding (with milk leaking everywhere and my boobs the size of watermelons), it was seriously painful. So, new moms, don’t hesitate to be honest with your partner if that’s how you’re feeling now too. For now, perhaps you can think of other ways to satisfy each of your needs and be physically intimate… without actually having to do the deed.